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Health & Fitness

How to Best Survive Dating...By Not Dating? What?

A survivor's guide to dating. Because dating is actually scarier than a zombie attack.

I'm not an expert on dating, let's get that out of the way up front. I've gone on a large amount of dates, but nowhere near the amount of a Sex in the City gal. That being said, I've learned a few tricks on how to survive first dates without, necessarily, hating yourself by the end of the evening (this is a possibility if you find yourself not interested and if you're like me and guilt is your go-to emotion).

Five Ways to Survive A First Date (Without Hating Yourself)

5. If you've been single for most of your life (which I have), the first thing you're going to want to do when you go out on a first date is hyperventilate and run for the border. The best way to keep this from happening is to do some deep breathing exercises, have your roommate or best friend stash your passport in a locked drawer, and take a shot of something decidedly alcoholic. The order is your choice. Be creative.

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4. There's a school of thought in dating that if you're a woman, you're untrue to your feminist roots if you allow the guy to pay for dinner (or drinks or bowling or whatever it is you've spent an hour primping and agonizing over clothing in order to go do). The very act of a guy pulling out his wallet at the end of a first date can make some women write off a second one just on principle. Now, I can kill my own spiders, pay someone more knowledgeable than me to change my oil, and grill a steak that will make you cry - and I'm perfectly happy letting a man pay for dinner. It's money, not a burning bra.

3. The best way to keep yourself honest on a first date is to keep your hands off your Lady Bic. Trust me on this one. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. Fellas, you don't - and that's how we like it.

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2. Don't take a first date to your favorite hangout spot. If the date goes horribly awry (which it probably will, because as this made up statistic shows, 1 out of 3 first dates ends in a crash and burn epic failure), the last thing you want is for it to leave a bad juju feeling behind in your favorite place. Go some place new, some place neutral, and preferably some place with arcade games in case the conversation is lacking. Pinball is always a safe bet.

1. The absolute best way to survive a first date is to just not date. Just like the best way to not get eaten alive by mosquitoes is to not leave your house between the months of May and October. Or the best way to not get run over by a bus is to avoid buses. This is stupid advice - so use it as a last resort (and only if you're content with your life just the way it is - remember, dating is a choice [that was so an 80s PSA, completely with hammer pants, side ponytails, and scrunch socks]).

Dating is, quite possibly, the worst process of trial and error ever invented. And that's taking into account the atom bomb, the pharmaceutical industry, and the proper preparation of blowfish. We, as a species, know it's failed...and yet, we participate anyway because it's the only way to meet other, attractive, single people.

The best thing to remember about a first date is that you don't have to go out on a second one if you don't want to...but it's kind of great when you meet someone you wouldn't mind seeing again. A friend of mine once said that the best first date is the one that feels like a first anniversary - I've never had that myself, but doesn't it sound kind of awesome?

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