10 Pieces of Advice on Conversing with a Single Woman Nearing 30 from a Single Woman Nearing 30

This is generic advice, aimed at no one in particular (except a few older men I work with who won't ever have the opportunity to read it). I've been mostly single my whole dating career—a few three-to-four month interludes throughout the years—and I've only recently come to terms with it.

Throughout those years, though, some things are constant...

1. Always (always, always, always) think before you open your mouth. This is especially true when conversing with a single woman nearing 30. So, if you find yourself in a situation where you're not quite sure if what you're about to say is going to offend me, take a few seconds to consider just how awful your own foot might taste when it's stuffed into your mouth.

2. Don't worry that there's something wrong with me because I'm approaching 30 and haven't yet had a stable, long-term relationship. It's like Deborah Kerr said: "Personally, I think if a woman hasn't met the right man by the time she's 24, she may be lucky." Men supposedly get better with age...like cheese. I like aged cheese. There's a valid piece of reasoning in there.

3. Stop telling Cat Lady jokes. If I need to explain to you why this is a piece of advice, you're not paying good enough attention to the single women in your life. Or you're a cat.

4. Just because I'm happy without a romantic relationship in my life, doesn't mean I'm prepared to walk by myself into a room full of couples. Bravery is one thing, but stupidity is a whole other. Cosmo Magazine would never tell you this, probably because they're a fashion magazine and not National Geographic, but that's why gazelles travel in groups—because it makes it harder for the lions to pick one out for dinner.

5. 99.9% of the people who are in loving, wonderful relationships are the EXCEPTION. I think it's wonderful that you met your husband or wife by chance while choosing melons at the local market, but stop telling me that I need to shop for melons on a daily basis so I can meet the love of my life. I don't even like melons. Mangos, yes. Melons, no.

6. Please stop telling me that it will happen when I'm no longer looking. The reasoning here is twofold: first, because I've stopped looking and it's still not happening, and second, because if this statement applies to dating then shouldn't it apply to most other things? For instance, if I'm constantly looking for a bus and it doesn't appear, then the minute I stop looking for a bus one will show up...and most likely run me over. This seems unpleasant.

7. Hollywood: STOP MAKING ROMANTIC COMEDIES. Seriously. They're not funny, they cause damage to one's self-esteem, and they create unachievable goals in a world already filled to the brim with broken hearts. The DEA should put them on the Controlled Substances List.

8. Not everyone gets a "happy" ending. Some people get the ending that makes them happy. Show me a Cinderella who's happy doing laundry surrounded by a bunch of mice, and I'll show you a happy ending.

9. Do not (I repeat: DO NOT) suggest online dating to me when I complain about how difficult it is to meet men in this day and age. I won't even say anything. I'll just throw something at you (most likely something soft...maybe). Just let me complain and moan and then tell me to suck it up and eat a cupcake. I've tried it (online dating, not eating a cupcake) and until it works like a charm, it's just as evil as an infomercial at 2 a.m.

10. Don't worry so much. Life happens at a pace it sets for itself. You'll be the first to know when I'm head-over-heels in love. Until then, let me be. I have a wonderful group of friends (and a seriously wonderful therapist) and for now, they keep me sane.

*Reposted from The Nervous Breakdown.

My 30th birthday is a month and a half away...donations of cupcakes and prosecco are welcome. :)